How our listening influences our conversations

The article “How our listening influences our conversations” was originally published in German on the Leadership Network Lucerne Blog of the University of Applied Sciences Lucerne. With big thanks to Heather Fiske for her support in editing the English version of the text.

Statements such as “I didn’t do anything, I just listened” or “My employees only tell me about problems” show that very few managers see the connection between their listening and what the other person is saying. This critical connection is often missed despite the fact that listening and its effects have been scientifically researched.

Listening is an interactive activity

Listening is often understood as something passive, something that has no bearing on the story being told. However, research using Microanalysis of Face-to-Face Dialogue [1], which uses video analysis to investigate what happens in conversations moment by moment, shows that listening is something that we do visibly, audibly, and interactively.

As listeners, we do a lot in conversations:

• We confirm what is being said in a variety of ways: we nod; we blink our eyes; we smile; we confirm with «Mhmm»; we look the other person in the eye; we say «ok»; we reinforce with “yes, exactly” or “ah, yes”, etc.
• When something is unclear, we may frown; we widen our eyes; we keep our eyes open without blinking; we tilt our heads; we raise our fingers, etc.
• When we are amazed, we may open our mouths and keep our eyes wide open; we may reinforce our amazement with «Wow», etc.

All of the above are visible and sometimes audible signs that display our listening. In Microanalysis of Face-to-Face Dialogue, we call these signs generic and specific listener responses. Generic listener responses show the other person that we are listening. We display our listening with general behaviors that are not specifically designed for what the other person is saying at the moment, such as nodding, “Mhmm”, or smiling. Specific listener responses relate specifically to the content of what is being said. An example of a specific listener response is repeating a specific word or part of a sentence said by the other person.

What we do while listening is interactional:

• Listener responses are visible and partly audible: They show the other person that we are listening and signal the extent to which we can follow what has been said. Our conversation partners see, hear, and react to these responses.
• Listener responses influence the conversation: Our listener responses have a significant impact on how our counterparts continue with what they are telling. For example, if we are telling something and the other person nods in confirmation, then we will very likely continue our story. If, on the other hand, the other person is frowning and is looking at us with wide-open eyes, then we may become irritated. We might then depart from telling our story by, for example, asking a question, justifying what we just said, or trying to convince the other person.

 

Listening carefully enhances the storytelling of others

It is not only listener responses that are given that influence the conversation. Responses that are missing or that appear in the wrong place can also be quite irritating.

All of us have experienced this. We are telling something and the other person, who may be busy on the smartphone or computer, does not react to what we say – no eye contact, no nodding, no listener response – or they react in an untimely way – e.g. with an “Mhmm, Mhmm” after we ask a question.  We will likely wonder whether the other person hears or understands us.  We might even ask.  And it is very likely that the lack of listener responses will affect the quality of the story we are telling.

Bavelas, Coates, and Johnson (2000) [2] showed this pattern of interaction in their study. They divided narrators into two groups. The narrators in one group were listened to attentively. In the other group, the listeners had to count the words used by the narrators that begin with the letter “T”. The stories told were recorded on video. The recordings were then shown to an audience who had to evaluate who were the better storytellers.

The result is not surprising: the attentive listeners showed normal listener responses that encouraged the storytellers to continue telling their stories. The distracted listeners, on the other hand, reacted less to what was said. And as a result, the narrators who were not listened to carefully were rated significantly worse as storytellers.

As listeners, we collaborate constantly with our conversation partners. The quality of their storytelling is directly related to the attentiveness of our listening. If we want to hear good stories, we need to listen attentively.

 

Deliberate listening influences conversational content

But what should we focus our attention on? We should focus on what we want to hear more of. Listening is something we learn from an early age and we do it naturally. We may think, “We can do that. We don’t have to learn that separately.» That’s true. On the other hand, we can influence the content of the conversation through our listening.

We cannot listen neutrally. Microanalysis research shows that what we listen to makes a difference. [3] We often hear from managers that their employees talk only about problems. If we then analyze their leadership conversations with them, it becomes clear that they are making a significant contribution to that problem-focused conversation through their listening. They confirm, for example with a nod or an “aha”, when problems are discussed and not when employees talk about exceptions or goals. Or, they repeat negative aspects of the conversations rather than any words or phrases suggesting a more hopeful direction. These responses encourage the employees to go further into the problem.

Example 1 from a management interview analysis:

Employee: “It’s not going so well at the moment.”
Supervisor confirming: “Mhmm”
The employee continues to describe the problem: “It’s not that easy because …”

Variation:
Employee: “It’s not going so well at the moment.”
Supervisor listens to exceptions: «At the moment? That means it was better before? ”
Employee explains: “Yes, it was better two months ago …”

Example 2 from a management interview analysis:

Employee: “I don’t want that anymore.”
Supervisor confirming: “Ah, ok.”
Employee continues to describe the problem: “Yes, you know, because …”

Variation:
Employee: “I don’t want that anymore.”
Supervisor listens to exceptions: “Ah, you don’t want that anymore. What do you want instead? ”
Employee explains: “I would rather …”

Focusing on what we want to hear more about is worth it! If we want to hear more about exceptions, more about what is already working, more about employees’ goals or their hopes and wishes, more about their successes, then we want to train our listening skills.

We can listen specifically for these elements. We can confirm these elements in the statements of our conversation partners with our general and specific listener responses. And we can watch how our conversations will gradually develop in these wished-for directions.

 

Further training on the topic

Join our Microanalysis online course and get to know what really happens in dialogue:

• English: sfontour.com/microanalysis
• German: sfontour.com/mikroanalyse

 

[1] Bavelas, Janet/Gerwing, Jennifer (2011). The Listener as Addressee in Face-to-Face Dialogue. In: The International Journal of Listening, 25, pp. 178–198.
[2] Bavelas, Janet/Coates, Linda/Johnson, Trudy (2000). Listeners as co-narrators. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 79(6), pp. 941-952.
[3] Jordan, Sara/Froerer, Adam/Bavelas, Janet (2013). Microanalysis of Positive and Negative Content in Solution-Focused Brief Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Expert Sessions. Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol. 32, No. 3, 2013, pp. 46–59.

The Authors

This article was written by Elfie Czerny and Dominik Godat, communication and leadership experts, Interactionalists, and promoters of solution-focused practices. They are co-editors of the magazine Persönlichkeit! and co-founders of SF on Tour. Learn more at www.sfontour.com